Sunday, December 25, 2005

This was my first Christmas in Singapore after 2 years of spending it in an orphanage in Chiang Mai, and I have to admit, I did feel a little lost. Every where I go, the lights were a little too bright, the blaring carols a little too merry. Everything was just so... Overdone.

Christmas Eve night, as I sat in church, I couldn't help but think about the people in Thailand, the children of the orphanage, the villagers I formed an attachment to... I wished I was back there spending Christmas with them, sharing God's love through even the smallest action of a hug or smile, instead of being wedged between ornately dressed people on a pew, exchanging hurried greetings of 'merry christmas' with nary a second thought to what it really means. I actually felt uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in my own church, among fellow Singaporean brothers and sisters in Christ, uncomfortable in a place as familiar as home should be.

To my horror, without warning, tears stung my eyes. What am I doing here? I felt lost, unsure, yet at the same time couldn't be more certain that this is not where God wants me to be, for this Christmas, for the next, and for more Christmases to come.

I didn't have any money that night for the offering. With nothing in my pocket to offer God, I gave Him the only thing I had left, yet I know not whether it's of any worth for a King...

I gave God my heart.

writing at 10:57 PM

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