Sunday, October 30, 2005
I had a nightmare when I was having an afternoon nap just now. Maybe not a nightmare, but just a very very very terribly sad dream. I woke up and found eyes moist with tears. For once I can't be more thankful that it is but only a dream and not reality. Even though the details of the dream are slowly fading into oblivion and becoming hazy now, I vividly remember the overwhelming sense of sadness I felt. It was as if every trace of happiness was sucked out of me and in replacement of that void was the deepest of sorrows... I've never felt such despondency, such a sense of loss before. It was awful. I hope I never have to feel it again.
So everyone gathered at one bungalow after dinner for some activities, of which included the Hotest Girl and Most Macho Guy search. And then came Ares Idol... I was just sitting around minding my own business when suddenly everyone in my class was pointing their fingers at me! I tell you I was shocked beyond words and trying very hard to (subtly) change the topic, but to no avail. I wanted to run away because I know, I just know that I'd just make a fool outta myself (which I eventually did anyways) if I did perform.
But after much cajoling by my classmates, seeing their watery pleading eyes, I had no choice but to agree... It's not easy you know, and especially so for a shy person to step out into the wilderness of public performances, hehh. So I sang a duet of Wu Ding (my favourite duet song!) with my classmates. During the performance, although my memory failed me when I needed it most, the awkward pause of trying very hard to recall the lyrics actually brought about roars of laughter, much to my astonishment!
Anyways you know what I think it was quite a good performance! My singing talents have finally ventured beyond the boundaries of the shower toilet! I always imagine myself singing to an audience when I croon love ballads in the shower... This is like a dream come true!
I guess everybody have secret dreams of their own, and this was my secret dream, which I never thought would ever come true.
Dare to dream.
I think sleep deficiency makes me cranky.
And the shocking thing was when I reached home my parents were discussing some things, and my mom said the same thing to my dad.
A peculiar case of coincidence perhaps?
Today wasn't the best of days. Too much on my mind and too little space. So I did what I did best - escape. To the fantasy world that reading brings. And I resent the escapist in me.
If you don't see it, its not there?
Anyways, I realised drinking wine gives rise to this warm and fuzzy feeling. But please note I'm no alcoholic! Just curious yet fascinated at the weird effect this simple drink has on the body.
hey friend can't remember whether the reply was sent successfully but anyways hope you are well as well can possibly be. (:
We're having a complete make-over of teachers, even our Civics Tutor is abandoning us (not that I'm complaining), but, ALL the other subject teachers?! Our economics and chemistry teachers are staying behind for next year's J1 batch, Math teacher is being transferred elsewhere, and our Biology teacher is heeding the government's call for procreation.
Wonderful.
I don't like changes, sometimes. It takes us into unfamiliar ground, forces us to step beyond our comfort zone. Not that its neccessarily bad, but still... this is a little way too much change don't you think.
I am a little befuddled... Nevertheless heading for the beach later. Never fails to cheer me up.
So you see, things are not the way you think them to be. Sorry that my passiveness had caused much uncalled for misunderstanding... Paiseh for making you think so much. If its not wishful thinking on my part, I guess I'm the culprit of your unhappiness recently? Sorry lah... Hope everything is clearer after what I gave you today. Hope we can still be like always. (: Ok?
This is going in the wrong direction.
There was this sharp pain below my ribs today when I was playing volleyball, and even as I walked home it throbs, but with lesser intensity. Can't be menstrual cramps 'cause obviously its in the wrong anatomy. Can't be gastric because I ate breakfast. What if its cancer?! Or organ infection?! So you see how precious life is. Friends reading this, please treat me better. You never know when's your last chance you know.. hehh.
Anyways, in my opinion, if ever there was a darkest girl ever contest, maybe I'll win that prize. My mom scolded me for getting so dark. But I can't help it you know if its my genes. In the first place I wasn't even born fair lah. I guess God decided to give me a darker than usual birthday suit. And it don't really help that my skin is like some super sponge for maximum sunlight absorption. I even get a tannline just going for a normal jog. (And is it true that guys like girls with big eyes and fair skin?!?! Rahhh this is demoralising.)
Some conclusions after some self-reflection on my way home today... Sometimes thinking too much is no good. There's this tendency to think that something exists when in actual fact there is nothing. You sit around anticipating something to happen, hoping something would happen, but ehhhh? actually, you realised maybe in the first place, you imagined it to be there, not that it was really there... False impression perhaps?
Was that for me?
Y'know sometimes I think I'm too easily contented. Which is not too good. Because I'd probably be stuck at this standard forever if I don't start setting higher goals.
Anyways, today was horrible. Given any other day I'd have loved the rainy weather but today, the overcast sky only added more gloom to the already worsening day. Here I have to apologise to my PW mates for my itchy fingers for clicking the mouse so fast I forgot where I saved the stupid written report... And making everyone stay back to redo it. Sorry. :( Thank you guys for helping each other out though. Especially Yuqin's optimism and Candice's calmness, which shocked me because I was almost on the verge of going mad pulling my hair out in frustration knowing that all that hard work is down the drain...
So, after the frustrating incident, I went to the rehab center to visit my Ah Ma just now. She's recuperating there now after the incident. And it sure was heartbreaking to see her cry, because after spending my entire childhood being taken care of by her, she always struck me as a very strongheaded and tough Ah Ma. That's why the least thing I expected to see were her tears. I guess my mom is right, even the strongest person gets worn down and weary sometimes. And that's also why I was quite surprised to feel my throat constricting and my vision blurring all of a sudden. The probability of losing a loved one has never struck me so real before... up till now. I really pray to God that He'll be able to touch her heart, in His time. And to you, I'm praying for your popo too.
I think I'm thinking too much?
On hindsight this donation drive allowed me to see how loving and kind HC students can be... What a school of love! 真是人间有爱啊！
Talking about love, what is love? God's love for us was exhibited in Him sending His only Son to die for us, but what is human love? What's the difference between like and love? What's the difference between like and attraction?
Confusing.
Anyway, yesterday during cell group we had a very interesting debate on the need for a prayerful life, and some niggling questions were biting at the back of my mind. If God knows every single one of our needs, and if our life was planned, 'cause the Bible did say God knows the "plans He has for [us], plans to prosper and not to harm [us], plans to give [us] hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11), why do we still need to pray? If God has planned out our lives already, we'll get whatever He has planned, and will a prayer change the course of His plans? Why do people pray? What makes a prayer? I am a little bit confused... But I shall find out more.
And to end off, my last words for today is: PW sucks.
Ok, rubbish aside, I bring the unfortunate news that I am still as humji as ever. But hey this is the 21st century right! Girls don't always have to be the waiting party right? But then hor... I'm a conservative girl at heart leh. But then again, my friend said you gotta work for your own keep.. Aiyaaaa...! Indecisiveness is never a part of my nature leh!
Some things I wished I did. Some things I wish I didn't.
Just another fantasy. But a fantasy so much like reality. Bleah.
I don't understand why, or how, I've become as cowardly as I am now. I feel like a primary school girl, almost, or exactly like 5 years ago. There'll be this irritating and incessant urge to steal looks. The fake facade of calmness to mask the irrational and unexplainable butterflies.
Is it because I've been too stressed studying for exams? Lack of sleep? Lack of a life? What is happening to me man. I don't feel normal!
I hope it goes away.
Nothing beats a good game of 2 on 2 beach volleyball on a sunny afternoon, with the sea and sand as backdrop. :D
And yesterday I got my first shot at representing Singapore on an international level (to put it nicely, haha)! We played a game with Germans from Germany (like, duh. hehh), and I must say me and my friends did quite a fine job defending Singapore, considering the six-packed-shiny-bronzed-skin-hunkalicious players we were up against. And then suddenly a vision flashed across my mind. I could see myself travelling to other beaches on the globe and playing beach volleyball with all the different nationalities...
What a nice fantasy.
Blah!
All those long days and nights in school... I feel as though I've studied for nothing. :(
ANYWAYS, on the brighter side, I've finally broke free from the vice grip of evil exams(alliteration!)! It's over! Seriously I've never studied so hard in my entire life before for an exam. Not even O Levels. I cannot imagine how A Levels will be like next year. Probably a thousand times worse? Ah but that's for next year to worry about.
So, I had a friendly game with Singapore American School (SAS) yesterday night, and my was it an eye opener... The school compound was soooo humongously huge that the students travel around on bikes. And the friendly game felt more like an competition 'cause there were actually REAL official referees, scorers, and what-nots. It was so... dua pai (for lack of a better word). And the americans were so big-sized! I think they average around 175cm. And I can't even hit 170cm lah. They seriously look very domineering and oppressive, and I must admit I felt a little overwhelmed. Anyways, the only thing I have to say after the game is, well, I overestimated them. :X
For the past month I felt like a total hermit. I haven't ventured beyond the usual route to school and back home, and I haven't watched a single movie. Most importantly, I miss beach volleyball. And it didn't really help that I've got comments that I've turned a little yellowish (remember how I lamented abt being sai colour in my previous previous post). Wonderful.
Life after promos is so... shiok. (up till the return of the papers, that is)
Looking forward to Festival of Sports.
I had a nightmare when I was having an afternoon nap just now. Maybe not a nightmare, but just a very very very terribly sad dream. I woke up and found eyes moist with tears. For once I can't be more thankful that it is but only a dream and not reality. Even though the details of the dream are slowly fading into oblivion and becoming hazy now, I vividly remember the overwhelming sense of sadness I felt. It was as if every trace of happiness was sucked out of me and in replacement of that void was the deepest of sorrows... I've never felt such despondency, such a sense of loss before. It was awful. I hope I never have to feel it again.
writing at 10:17 PM
So everyone gathered at one bungalow after dinner for some activities, of which included the Hotest Girl and Most Macho Guy search. And then came Ares Idol... I was just sitting around minding my own business when suddenly everyone in my class was pointing their fingers at me! I tell you I was shocked beyond words and trying very hard to (subtly) change the topic, but to no avail. I wanted to run away because I know, I just know that I'd just make a fool outta myself (which I eventually did anyways) if I did perform.
But after much cajoling by my classmates, seeing their watery pleading eyes, I had no choice but to agree... It's not easy you know, and especially so for a shy person to step out into the wilderness of public performances, hehh. So I sang a duet of Wu Ding (my favourite duet song!) with my classmates. During the performance, although my memory failed me when I needed it most, the awkward pause of trying very hard to recall the lyrics actually brought about roars of laughter, much to my astonishment!
Anyways you know what I think it was quite a good performance! My singing talents have finally ventured beyond the boundaries of the shower toilet! I always imagine myself singing to an audience when I croon love ballads in the shower... This is like a dream come true!
I guess everybody have secret dreams of their own, and this was my secret dream, which I never thought would ever come true.
Dare to dream.
writing at 12:21 PM
I think sleep deficiency makes me cranky.
writing at 12:31 AM
Thursday, October 27, 2005
And the shocking thing was when I reached home my parents were discussing some things, and my mom said the same thing to my dad.
A peculiar case of coincidence perhaps?
Today wasn't the best of days. Too much on my mind and too little space. So I did what I did best - escape. To the fantasy world that reading brings. And I resent the escapist in me.
If you don't see it, its not there?
writing at 1:34 AM
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Anyways, I realised drinking wine gives rise to this warm and fuzzy feeling. But please note I'm no alcoholic! Just curious yet fascinated at the weird effect this simple drink has on the body.
hey friend can't remember whether the reply was sent successfully but anyways hope you are well as well can possibly be. (:
writing at 9:07 PM
We're having a complete make-over of teachers, even our Civics Tutor is abandoning us (not that I'm complaining), but, ALL the other subject teachers?! Our economics and chemistry teachers are staying behind for next year's J1 batch, Math teacher is being transferred elsewhere, and our Biology teacher is heeding the government's call for procreation.
Wonderful.
I don't like changes, sometimes. It takes us into unfamiliar ground, forces us to step beyond our comfort zone. Not that its neccessarily bad, but still... this is a little way too much change don't you think.
I am a little befuddled... Nevertheless heading for the beach later. Never fails to cheer me up.
writing at 11:34 AM
Saturday, October 22, 2005
So you see, things are not the way you think them to be. Sorry that my passiveness had caused much uncalled for misunderstanding... Paiseh for making you think so much. If its not wishful thinking on my part, I guess I'm the culprit of your unhappiness recently? Sorry lah... Hope everything is clearer after what I gave you today. Hope we can still be like always. (: Ok?
This is going in the wrong direction.
writing at 7:38 PM
Friday, October 21, 2005
There was this sharp pain below my ribs today when I was playing volleyball, and even as I walked home it throbs, but with lesser intensity. Can't be menstrual cramps 'cause obviously its in the wrong anatomy. Can't be gastric because I ate breakfast. What if its cancer?! Or organ infection?! So you see how precious life is. Friends reading this, please treat me better. You never know when's your last chance you know.. hehh.
Anyways, in my opinion, if ever there was a darkest girl ever contest, maybe I'll win that prize. My mom scolded me for getting so dark. But I can't help it you know if its my genes. In the first place I wasn't even born fair lah. I guess God decided to give me a darker than usual birthday suit. And it don't really help that my skin is like some super sponge for maximum sunlight absorption. I even get a tannline just going for a normal jog. (And is it true that guys like girls with big eyes and fair skin?!?! Rahhh this is demoralising.)
Some conclusions after some self-reflection on my way home today... Sometimes thinking too much is no good. There's this tendency to think that something exists when in actual fact there is nothing. You sit around anticipating something to happen, hoping something would happen, but ehhhh? actually, you realised maybe in the first place, you imagined it to be there, not that it was really there... False impression perhaps?
Was that for me?
writing at 10:05 PM
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Y'know sometimes I think I'm too easily contented. Which is not too good. Because I'd probably be stuck at this standard forever if I don't start setting higher goals.
Anyways, today was horrible. Given any other day I'd have loved the rainy weather but today, the overcast sky only added more gloom to the already worsening day. Here I have to apologise to my PW mates for my itchy fingers for clicking the mouse so fast I forgot where I saved the stupid written report... And making everyone stay back to redo it. Sorry. :( Thank you guys for helping each other out though. Especially Yuqin's optimism and Candice's calmness, which shocked me because I was almost on the verge of going mad pulling my hair out in frustration knowing that all that hard work is down the drain...
So, after the frustrating incident, I went to the rehab center to visit my Ah Ma just now. She's recuperating there now after the incident. And it sure was heartbreaking to see her cry, because after spending my entire childhood being taken care of by her, she always struck me as a very strongheaded and tough Ah Ma. That's why the least thing I expected to see were her tears. I guess my mom is right, even the strongest person gets worn down and weary sometimes. And that's also why I was quite surprised to feel my throat constricting and my vision blurring all of a sudden. The probability of losing a loved one has never struck me so real before... up till now. I really pray to God that He'll be able to touch her heart, in His time. And to you, I'm praying for your popo too.
I think I'm thinking too much?
writing at 9:42 PM
On hindsight this donation drive allowed me to see how loving and kind HC students can be... What a school of love! 真是人间有爱啊！
Talking about love, what is love? God's love for us was exhibited in Him sending His only Son to die for us, but what is human love? What's the difference between like and love? What's the difference between like and attraction?
Confusing.
writing at 9:07 AM
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Anyway, yesterday during cell group we had a very interesting debate on the need for a prayerful life, and some niggling questions were biting at the back of my mind. If God knows every single one of our needs, and if our life was planned, 'cause the Bible did say God knows the "plans He has for [us], plans to prosper and not to harm [us], plans to give [us] hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11), why do we still need to pray? If God has planned out our lives already, we'll get whatever He has planned, and will a prayer change the course of His plans? Why do people pray? What makes a prayer? I am a little bit confused... But I shall find out more.
And to end off, my last words for today is: PW sucks.
writing at 12:42 PM
Friday, October 14, 2005
Ok, rubbish aside, I bring the unfortunate news that I am still as humji as ever. But hey this is the 21st century right! Girls don't always have to be the waiting party right? But then hor... I'm a conservative girl at heart leh. But then again, my friend said you gotta work for your own keep.. Aiyaaaa...! Indecisiveness is never a part of my nature leh!
Some things I wished I did. Some things I wish I didn't.
Just another fantasy. But a fantasy so much like reality. Bleah.
-
I am the kettle. 'Cause I spout. Get it? Cause I pout. Hahahaha. Okay lame.
writing at 9:12 PM
Sunday, October 09, 2005
I don't understand why, or how, I've become as cowardly as I am now. I feel like a primary school girl, almost, or exactly like 5 years ago. There'll be this irritating and incessant urge to steal looks. The fake facade of calmness to mask the irrational and unexplainable butterflies.
Is it because I've been too stressed studying for exams? Lack of sleep? Lack of a life? What is happening to me man. I don't feel normal!
I hope it goes away.
writing at 8:56 PM
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Nothing beats a good game of 2 on 2 beach volleyball on a sunny afternoon, with the sea and sand as backdrop. :D
And yesterday I got my first shot at representing Singapore on an international level (to put it nicely, haha)! We played a game with Germans from Germany (like, duh. hehh), and I must say me and my friends did quite a fine job defending Singapore, considering the six-packed-shiny-bronzed-skin-hunkalicious players we were up against. And then suddenly a vision flashed across my mind. I could see myself travelling to other beaches on the globe and playing beach volleyball with all the different nationalities...
What a nice fantasy.
writing at 9:49 AM
Friday, October 07, 2005
Blah!
All those long days and nights in school... I feel as though I've studied for nothing. :(
ANYWAYS, on the brighter side, I've finally broke free from the vice grip of evil exams(alliteration!)! It's over! Seriously I've never studied so hard in my entire life before for an exam. Not even O Levels. I cannot imagine how A Levels will be like next year. Probably a thousand times worse? Ah but that's for next year to worry about.
So, I had a friendly game with Singapore American School (SAS) yesterday night, and my was it an eye opener... The school compound was soooo humongously huge that the students travel around on bikes. And the friendly game felt more like an competition 'cause there were actually REAL official referees, scorers, and what-nots. It was so... dua pai (for lack of a better word). And the americans were so big-sized! I think they average around 175cm. And I can't even hit 170cm lah. They seriously look very domineering and oppressive, and I must admit I felt a little overwhelmed. Anyways, the only thing I have to say after the game is, well, I overestimated them. :X
For the past month I felt like a total hermit. I haven't ventured beyond the usual route to school and back home, and I haven't watched a single movie. Most importantly, I miss beach volleyball. And it didn't really help that I've got comments that I've turned a little yellowish (remember how I lamented abt being sai colour in my previous previous post). Wonderful.
Life after promos is so... shiok. (up till the return of the papers, that is)
Looking forward to Festival of Sports.
writing at 10:31 AM
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