Speak

Monday, April 26, 2004

So, that's it. After 4 years of vball and more vball, this is the end. For the past 3 years vball has become so much a part of my life, i donno how life wld be without all those routine trainings every week.

I donno why the tears jus kept coming today. Am i crying becus that glass i had so cherished is shattered into a thousand pieces? Am i crying becus the lion is gonna leave its cubs and go away? Am i crying out of joy becus we've gone against the odds and climbed the highest peak when others thought we cldn't and won't make it? Or am i crying becus when i've finally grown to love and cherish, its gonna end right here?

most of the things are metaphors of things i can't really put down in real words. words are inadequate to describe how i'm feelin right now. i don't even know it myself.

writing at 6:12 PM

Saturday, April 24, 2004

i never knew that first creation has the capability of realeasing such a vast quantity of brine through the windows of the soul in such a narrow width of time.

but now i know.

writing at 12:09 AM

Friday, April 23, 2004

The silent attack came with the dark of the night as its cover. As it flew silently and landed unnoticed on the enemy's territory, it brandished its shiny sword, ready for the plunge into victory. As it prepared for take off after the attack, it made the mistake of flyin past the headquarters. Its vexatious mechanical buzzing had awoken the enemy. As the enemy roared into life, a huge quadrilateral flying object loomed past, threatenin to swipe it into non-existence. But experience paid off as it easily dodged the attacks and took cover at the caves. In the sanctuary of its hiding place, it saw the enemy blindly spraying the lethal fumes in the dark. Deadly biochemical gas meant to kill it in seconds. But it was safe from the enemy's futile attempts to destroy it. It gave a contemptous smirk, and drifted off to sleep.

Man i HATE mosquitoes. They suck (no pun intended). Big time.

writing at 11:55 PM

sometimes, its very hurting to know that my parents go all the way out to support my brother, but for me, its otherwise. sometimes, when they know that my brother has a match at night, they will rush down to support him, even though its all the way at toa payoh or woodlands. okay la maybe its becus he's playin for some national table tennis organisation, or mayb becus their extra support is to prove that their financial support of his fees at SSS(sports sch) is not all for nothing.

yah no doubt they sometimes will ask occassional questions like: "so how did u all win?" but there's a finality to this type of question. This type of question is what i call the "yes-no" question, as in, the answers can only be either a yes or a no. So most of the time i'll just answer accordingly, thus the conversation ends. sometimes i wonder if maybe this is their way of showing support for me, but i can't help but think abt the support for my brother.

i mean, he didnt ask them to go down for his matches, but they went all the same. i didnt ask them to support my matches, and they didnt.

just makes me wonder lah.

writing at 5:45 PM

i realised why i enjoy reading so much. cus reading takes me into another world, where no troubles or problems can enter. wahaha~ i realised ah even if i'm super stressed or sad, or extremely happy, readin makes me forget all that! seriously i think its my 'comfort item'. i find myself turnin to readin as a form of escape. but when the storybk ends, that's another thing la.

writing at 5:38 PM

Thursday, April 22, 2004

i happened to watch Fear Factor jus now while aimlessly channel-surfing around. and i think the dares the contestants hv to go thru is completely insane!! they had to strut around naked in front of a live audience of at least 100. all for what, a meagre sum of $50k? woah whatever happened to the values of humanity. and self-worth.

that's all i hafta say. for today.

writing at 9:01 PM

Saturday, April 17, 2004

'Trying is the first step towards failure'. i read this quote somewhere.. think its by homer simpson. it was the first thing that came to my mind when i was informed of the selection trials. i had such a bad experience last year i hv doubts abt doing it all over again this year. true, it widened my horizon and like the chinese saying: see the world. but it also showed me the dark and scary side of it all.

waaaah i donno what to do what to think what decision to make shld i go or shld i skip it i wanna go becus i know i'd regret it if i don go i don wanna go becus i'm afraid of failure afraid it'd be like last year afraid what homer simpson said is true.

coward. i just hate that word.

writing at 9:14 PM

Friday, April 16, 2004

i think everyday i learn sth new, just that most of the time i fall asleep before i hv the time to reflect on it.

today i learnt something. i learned, that being a sportsperson, whether girl or boy, is not about excelling in it, not about whether you're lousy or not. Being a sportsperson is not about how much turmoil you put ur body thru, not about being cool.

but it is, as i hv realised, about putting your whole heart, body, mind and soul into the sport. It is about the passion, the burning desire to excel, not so much about the end result but the determination to actually get there. It is about the perserverance, the mental training thru tough and difficult times, and the success of mind over body. It is about giving it all you've got, about putting in your bestest best in times of need(in simpler terms, compeititions lah..). It is about walkin out of court, feelin good abt ur performance regardless of the outcome.

If i can walk out of court feeling good even though i've lost, it means i've already gave my best, and i have to accept the fact that the opponent IS stronger. In all, I think the worst feeling anyone could get after a competition is regret. Becus if you regret, it means ur best effort was not put in.

William Hung couldn't hv put it better:

"I already gave my best, and, that I have no regrets at all."

don't you just love that guy. ;)

writing at 10:54 PM

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

The weather is so blistering hot today. Or these few days. It dsn't really help when u know ur gonna spend ur lessons in an oven of a classroom. It dsn't help to relieve the heat when my classroom is one of the smallest, or smallest, i shld say, with its capacity stretched to its maximum of 35 when its probably meant for 20. It also dsnt help when ventilation is at its lowest low, or non-existent at all i wld say, esp with the flu bug invading our already-weakened-by-mountains-of-homework soldiers(students). Esp after PE, the condition was terrible! Everyone was sweating like mad and even with 6 fans going full blast, it was still like being in a suana! While the math teacher was teaching integration everyone was squinting thru the heat, heads bent over the table, sweating like crazy, tryin hard to make sense of the mess of symbols and numbers splayed on the worksheets. This is worse than the Sahara desert!

writing at 8:45 PM

Monday, April 12, 2004

i realised i too easily believed. too easily swayed. too easily take for granted what others tell me. (this is also probably the reason why i still have more questions than answers for my Christian faith). i shall learn to discern. i shall not easily believe what others tell me without first finding out the truth. i shall and i can and i will.

writing at 9:06 PM

Friday, April 09, 2004

i was just having my blog-checking-out session jus now, and i can't help but notice the negativity.. I read 3 blogs by 3 diff ppl jus now, and I've realised everybody has their own diff sets of problems to face. And i also realised that, altho ppl keep a generally OKAY kinda exterior, we will never know abt their interior(as in nei xin shi jie). When i see them everyday, they can be jolly and be smilin and laughin at nothin at all, but in actual fact they're jus coverin up the hurt inside.

I've heard stories abt how people can be 2 diff persons. How they can actually cover up their real self with another personality (like how one person can be a caring friend but in actual fact is a psyco-path; how a person can be tellin jokes and laughin but deep down inside they're cryin). But i never knew how REAL it was.

This is completely out of point, but sometimes it scares me to think that a caring friend could actually be psycopathic in nature.

Well, i can't deny the fact that i'm like that also lah. As in, I also have different types of masks and costumes to cover up the real person in hiding too (sometimes).

Anyways, just wanna say somethin to u ppl out there.. If you think ur alone, that nobody cares, you are wrong. You are sooo wrong. :)

writing at 11:26 PM

Thursday, April 08, 2004

It's sometimes interestin to note how brains (or in this case, my brain) can shut off all incoming sounds and sink into its own world. Like during physics lesson today, my teacher was explaining how to find the direction of force generated by a D.C. motor using Fleming's Left Hand Rule. All the time i was observing my physics teacher's mouth..

open, close. open into oval shape, then into a slit, close. open close open close.

What was fascinating was the fact that I wasn't aware of the words that were produced - the futile attempts of the sound waves to permeate my brain. The whole movement of her lips was played like a silent slow mo film while my mind wandered off to other stuff..

Stuff like how i want my life to be 5 years down the road. I certainly don't see myself working in an office. The first time i tried office work during WEP, i fell sick. 9hours straight in an office is just like locking a cheetah up in an indoor enclosure. It's inhumane!

One thing i dun like is routine. I hate to think that i have to go thru every single day knowing exactly what will happen at exactly what time (like knowing i have to get up every morning at exactly 6am and go to sch for lessons arranged according to the timetable). But sad to say, I have been unsuccessful at tryin to break free from the evil clutches of the educational system for the past 10years.

I was thinkin about my future dreams, the many things i wanna accomplish by age 25, like learning how to ride a motorcycle, diving, and fantasizing abt how i'd meet my future spouse, but i was stopped short in my daydreams by the ringin of the bells. Recessss!

Momentarily, sound entered my brain again. I stood up in time to bid the physics teacher farewell as I was snapped back to reality. Reality.

writing at 10:06 PM

Monday, April 05, 2004

I'm high today! Today was the first match of our q-finals in the National Schools Volleyball B Girls Championships. woah man it feels so gooooood to say that. Q-finals of the National Schools Volleyball B Girls Championships 2004.

Anyways, it was closely tied, but we persevered and won 2-0 in the end. I still vividly remember how the 2nd set ended. The ending was so perfect! I jumped up, arched to prepare for a thunderous spike, but at the last minute i relaxed and did a drop ball right in the center of the court. The score was 24-21 (we're leading), and when the ball touched down, the surrounding crowd erupted into screams of "good ball!!" and applause.

I cannot describe in words how good that feelin is. And i mean good goooood. To hear the audience applause and scream for you. It's like, momentarily, the spotlight is on you and everyone in the whole wide world is clappin and cheering for ur great performance while all you can do is just simply smile. And suddenly, I'm in the sky, soaring with new-found wings!

I'm high!

writing at 5:35 PM

Sunday, April 04, 2004

i have a friend. one year older than me, she's a simple and plain girl who has a heart for God. but recently i found out some things which has since bothered me so much i'm losing sleep over it.

in my impression she had always been a sweet and sensitive and knowledgeable girl, but i found out she's been sleeping over at her boyfriends' houses. (note: its boyfriends' houses not boyfriend's house.) okay maybe its OK and acceptable so long as nothin happens, but stilllllll. and i found out she has more than 10 ex-es?! and all of those whom i know she had slept over at their houses before?! one of them she knew for less than 4 months but she has slept over before at his house?! my goodness.

i donno what to think at this moment. i'm totally _______. can't even find a word to describe how i'm feelin right now. :(

writing at 5:01 PM

While I was slacking away on my bed refusing to get up on a rainy Sunday morning just now, my mind was having a little debate with itself. And it has come to a conclusion that the best sleeping position is to sleep standing up. But wait! before you dismiss the idea as ridiculous and totally absurd, here are the points my mind has come up with to justify its statement:

Sleeping on ur back is bad for ur spine because it adds a lot of pressure on it. All the organs’ combined weight are on it and moreover, as ur legs are stretched this causes tension in the spine too. Hence sleepin on ur back is bad for ur spine on a long term basis.

So maybe you’d say flipping over the other side wld be okay. Yes, it relieves pressure from the spine, but think abt it. While sleeping on your stomach, you are actually squishing on ur lungs, ur heart and ur stomach. Ur lungs would expand minimally due to pressure and less oxygen will be taken in. As ur heart is also under pressure, it has to pump extra hard thus straining to provide the same amt of oxygen to the rest of the body. And if you’d just taken a meal before sleep, indigestion would result as the stomach cannot work properly with the body weight pressing it down. Sleepin prostrate is actually worse than sleeping facing the ceiling.

If you sleep on ur side, ur squishing on some of ur organs too depending on which organs are found on which side. For example if you sleep on ur left, u are blockin off blood circulation to ur left arm at the same time pressin down on ur left lung and heart and left kidney. Vice versa for the right side.

So as you can see, sleeping on ur back, on ur stomach, on ur left or right are all hazardous positions, we can hence conclude that standing up is the best position to assume sleep.

writing at 8:38 AM

Thursday, April 01, 2004

with the start of next week thus begins a new beginnin.. new seating arrangements! unfortunately (or fortunately), i'm seated at the front row. it's my 1st time in 4 years to sit within such close range to the teacher! i'm stuck right in the middle of sheenyee our dear a-math rep and abi our dear monitress. to unknowing ppl its nothing, but to me its everything!

do you know what this means?! this new location means no more pigging out, no more sleep-replenishing sessions during lessons, no more mass duplication of assignments, no more indulgin in novels during lessons, no more communication with the outside world thru devices, and, no more life!

ok wait, i need to calm down.. and think logically.
i've got it:

on the other hand, like what i've learnt in social studies, there's always 2 sides to a coin..

maybe with the new seating i'd be able to turn over a new leaf. maybe i'd then pia like i had never before for prelims and for Os. maybe then i'll be able to finally figure out what language my chemistry teacher is teaching in. maybe i'd then start to actually do original assignments and not 'photocopy' them anymore. well, just maybe.

maybe it ain't gonna be as bad as i'd think it'd be. maybe it'd turn out to be a blessin in disguise. maybe, who knows?

writing at 10:29 PM