Monday, May 24, 2004

tmr will be a better day.

i've been living in self denial for as long as i can rmb. i can tell myself its alright u gotta move on, cus if u dun start lookin forward you will never move forward, chunli.

i want so much to believe that tmr will be a better day, that with perserverance and determination, with hardwork and enough sweat and blood, i can get back on my feet again. i want so much more to believe that a fall will just be a fall, nothing but an injury which i can recover from.

i try to convince myself i can glue back the broken pieces of what initially was the pretty vase - my dream. but all for what? it'd never be the same again. it'd never be pretty again with all the crack lines even if one day i managed to piece it back. at first i was running with the pretty dream vase in my hand, on my way to the highest mountain, but i tripped, and i fell. i fell hard. and i lost grip of that vase. it smashed to the ground, into a thousand million pieces.

it was so different this time. i have no one to turn to, really. i was alone in the race, running my final lap, and just as i was about to cross the finishing line first, my opponent beat me to it. what hurt all the more was that the opponent was my friend. a friend i held closely.

its impossible to undstd how much it hurt to see sth u have believed in all ur life, something you've worked so hard for, putting in your heart and soul, just destroyed right in front of u. it was my first love, my passion, my life, my hope, my dream. it really hurt.

i want to forget that fall and move onwards and have other dream vases, but i can't. i tell myself to let go, but i can't. i tell myself its only part and parcel of life, to experience failure, there's sunshine after the rain. but i'm jus kiddin myself. every injury leaves behind a scar that will follow u for life.

i am so alone in this pain. every single day i put on a brave front in the presence of my friends, my family just because i don't want them to worry about me, because i want them to think i'm okay. the sadness was so immense, it seemed as though it'd never go away. do you know how much it hurt? to work so hard for something, yet in the end come to naught? i want so much to believe its only a dream, that i can wake up and everything will be okay. if only.

i thought i was strong, and i still think i am. i've never even shed a tear after other failures, but this had unblocked that torrent of a river which i thought all along was under control. i hate to think of myself crying, much less be seen crying. so many times in sch, sitting beside friends, during trainings, watchin tv at home with my parents arnd, i felt the tears welling but i swallowed them back. the only times where i had really allowed the tears to freely flow is in the shower, and in the dark on my bed into my pillow. at least pillows and bathrooms dun laugh at me or call me a cry baby.

i want to believe that tmr will be a better day. that time will heal all wounds. but so many tomorrows had passed and i still can't feel the pain subsiding.

when will tomorrow really come?

writing at 9:21 PM

---